[hearts_andminds: Because she looks like me.]

[supersymmetry]

Fred had been incredibly tempted to march herself right to Wesley's room and ask him why he thought keeping vital information from her was a good idea. It wasn't that she didn't understand the impulse to keep the truly alarming knowledge away from her at first -- heaven knew if their positions had been reversed she'd have flailed for an appropriate reaction. She also probably would've held it together a lot less convincingly, so she had to give credit where credit was due. And she didn't want to cause him any more pain. She wondered, idly, if she'd managed to get up the nerve to ask him out for coffee before she died. Or if she'd ever do so now, knowing what she knew.

It was too much knowledge for one girl to deal with on her own, but it was no one else's to deal with, either.

Well, maybe one person's. Demon's, she amended in her head the minute she caught herself thinking about having the conversation. She couldn't start thinking about this Illyria as a person - down that road lay madness, and there was enough madness running around this place already.

It took Fred only a few minutes of deliberation before she looked up Illyria's name in the directory and found the room she was staying in. It took her another whole day of changing her mind back and forth before she firmly decided that her only option was to confront this thing head-on before that choice was taken away from her, too.

She had her hand raised to knock firmly when the door swung inward, robbing her of even that much power.

Comments

[7livesatonce.livejournal.com]

It wasn't any special precognition; she had no tie to the woman whose Shell in which she resided that let her know she was coming. She'd just heard footsteps in the hall and thought to save time.

Still, she was unsurprised. She eyed Winifred mildly, having satisfied her curiosity regarding the creature once already.

"It was I who sought you out the last time."

She wouldn't have repeated it.

[supersymmetry]

Fred didn't know what she'd been expecting. She'd prepared herself for... something more vicious-looking, she guessed. She'd envisioned red eyes, fangs, claws -- something far more horrifying than the creature that greeted her.

It was still hard to breathe for a few seconds. There was this blue monstrosity speaking in a voice that wasn't anything like hers, but was still oddly close for comfort. The reality was staring her in the face and she hadn't thought this through enough to cope in any reasonable manner.

"There was a last time?" She managed to blurt out the question that came most logically, because it was a starting point.

[7livesatonce.livejournal.com]

"You were here, before. I was curious."

Not that she owed Winifred any explanation. Or particularly wished to give it. This place was beginning to feel overly stifling, a nightmare designed to prod at every last uncomfortable emotion that she wished to be rid of until she could tolerate it no longer.

Perhaps if she gave Fred whatever answers she sought, she would go and return no more.

[supersymmetry]

"Did you kill me then, too?"

The words were out before Fred could think better of them; it wasn't her goal to get smashed flat, but she hadn't actually ruled it out as a potential outcome, either. It was possible she ought to have brought along a Slayer or two as backup, but... she'd wanted to find things out for herself, and there wasn't any turning back now.

[7livesatonce.livejournal.com]

"No."

Her response was overly short, as was her temper. For a moment she was tempted to close the door in Winifred's face and refuse to entertain her questions any further. But allowing something so insignificant to affect her so obviously - it was a betrayal of emotion she wouldn't own.

"Nor would it serve me to do so; if our timelines are convergent, you have to survive if I am to continue in this form."

[supersymmetry]

"Huh."

It made sense. Fred had wondered, but she couldn't count on the future being set in stone; if she thought like that, she was just going to have to roll over and die, and that wasn't in her nature. Like hell she had survived five years in Pylea just to lie down and die, and leave some demon running around in her place.

So Illyria couldn't kill her. That gave her a distinct advantage, Fred thought.

"Why my form? I mean... was there a reason, or was I just in your way?"

[7livesatonce.livejournal.com]

"One of my followers thought you an appropriate vessel. He was unfortunately mistaken."

Illyria didn't bother to hide her disgust with both the follower and the form in question.

[supersymmetry]

"You have followers?"

Demon worship: alive and well in Los Angeles. Fred wondered, rather absurdly, if Illyria was a Wolfram and Hart client. She should've known this job would get her killed. It had been naive to think anything else.

"So, what, all this trouble and I'm not a good enough vessel? Why not find another?"

[7livesatonce.livejournal.com]

"I had one. You knew him by the name of Knox."

Traces of regret crept into her words. Knox had been unworthy of her grace, but he had worshiped her. If anyone else on the Earth did, she had no way of finding them from here, and felt the lack of them every second that she remained in this place.

"Do not begin that argument anew; I have had more than my fill of it already. If I could leave this form and return it to you, I would. This was a failed experiment that I would gladly abandon if there were anything worthwhile to come of doing so."

[supersymmetry]

Knox. Fred was caught off-guard again -- she hadn't exactly trusted him with her life, but she'd trusted him not to sacrifice him to his evil demon goddess. It seemed like that was the kind of thing that showed up on a person's background checks, or at least showed through on the outside, somehow.

She wondered how long he'd planned. How long -- was he always plotting her death, or was it only after she'd decided she didn't want to date him? It was a question Fred couldn't cope with yet and stay sane, so she shoved it aside and focused on the rest of it.

"Excuse you, but it's the first argument for me, okay? I've been here less than a week and I had to find out about my death secondhand, from someone who wasn't even there. You were there, so I'm asking you. Why can't you give my body back?"

[7livesatonce.livejournal.com]

"Nothing exists to take my place, even if I could vacate this Shell without irreparable damage to it. The animating force that you call soul was consumed during the resurrection process. There is no you any longer."

Her words were so direct as to be nearly deliberately cruel; there was no way to make them any less than what they are, and there was no sense in hedging delicately around the truth as humans were so fond of doing. Winifred hadn't come here for pretty lies. Illyria could almost respect her a little for having the courage to come here to confront her.

[supersymmetry]

What did a person say to that?

For a moment Fred thought she was just going to wither and die on the spot, like the words themselves were trying to suck out her soul here and now.

Oh, we're believing demons now, are we? The tiny voice of protest was enough to jolt some sense back into her, and she forced herself to stand up a little straighter even though she was trying not to tremble inside.

"That's not true. It's the first law of thermodynamics: energy can neither be created nor destroyed, and a soul is just mystical energy."

That was right; one couldn't argue with the laws of physics.

[7livesatonce.livejournal.com]

This was going to become tedious. Illyria had examined the science as well, since Winifred's knowledge had remained intact, and to be entirely truthful, she never could work out for certain exactly what had become of it. It was nothing that could be restored. Beyond that? She certainly had no desire to press the issue further.

"A fire burns and then is gone; you could never hope to restore that same, identical fire from its ashes. Perhaps you could hope to force me from this vessel; perhaps you could even restore it to life in a manner that would satisfy others as to its humanity. The memories that remain could inform whatever animating force you imbued it with, even if it were not the original. Would it then be you?"

It was a hypothetical challenge; though there was a true spark of curiosity behind it.

[supersymmetry]

"Well..." Fred considered, determined not to be beaten so easily. She'd talked Illyria into revealing an uncertainty; Fred had asked enough questions in her lifetime to hear a true question in the process of being worked out.

But she wouldn't want someone else's soul. That was--

"Wait. You said memories." Her brain had managed to catch the important bit even as she was trying to puzzle out the question of the soul.

"What memories? My memories?"

Suddenly this was all that mattered; whether or not a soul could be perhaps artificially recreated was a question for another day.

[7livesatonce.livejournal.com]

"Fragments. Drops in the ocean, only, but surprisingly complete, for all that."

Illyria was of two minds as to whether or not she wanted them at all. Thus far they seemed to cause only distress, but she wasn't going to find a closer specimen of humanity to observe than the one whose life remained an open book to her.

[supersymmetry]

"Can I make a request?"

Fred was almost certainly out of her mind for even daring to speak to the thing that had killed her this way, but it was all just a little too much for her to take, standing here being none-too-subtly insulted every other sentence.

And honestly, if she was going to die either way, she'd rather do it as herself. Maybe she'd push a little too far and get struck down on the spot, but then maybe she'd take down Illyria with her, if what she'd said about converging timelines were true.

"Can you maybe stop reminding me of how insignificant I am to you? You don't have to repeat yourself on that point; I got it when you said I was -- an inappropriate vessel."

Fred didn't intentionally try to mock Illyria's tone, but her last few words came out that way, and she wondered in hindsight if maybe she had been curious if her voice could really do that.

[7livesatonce.livejournal.com]

Illyria narrowed her eyes the tiniest fraction; she ought to be more irritated than she actually was by this exchange, but instead was finding Fred's reactions fascinating up to a point. She did not verbally agree to Fred's request, but she did open the door and step back far enough for Fred to enter the room if she wished. This conversation was likely to take some time.

"You came here seeking knowledge. If there are other questions whose answers you desire, perhaps you should ask them before I tire of entertaining them."

She walked away from the door, leaving it open behind her. She wasn't going to be the one to explain to Wesley, should he happen along this particular hallway, exactly what this confrontation meant.

[supersymmetry]

"Come into my parlor, said the spider to the fly," Fred quoted under her breath. She hesitated a little -- it was probably a really bad idea to actively follow the cause of her own death anywhere, but it wasn't like the hallway was objectively any safer unless someone both friendly and capable of taking on Illyria happened to turn up. And, honestly, Fred felt like she was probably the safest person in this whole place when it came to Illyria, at least until a more appropriate body turned up for her to steal. Of course, there was always the chance that Illyria had been lying to her so far, but --

Oh, what the hell.

Fred took a breath and stepped into the room, pulling the door lightly shut behind her. She was surprised to see that it was just a normal hotel room, not at all dissimilar to her own. She'd been expecting more... demon things, she guessed.

"Right, so... questions. I don't guess you're going to elaborate on your successful evil plan at length, thereby giving me the exact means of stopping you?"

[7livesatonce.livejournal.com]

"I've already told you that it was no plan of mine," Illyria pointed out. "Aside from that you are correct; my survival instinct is not so damaged that I am willing to allow you to undo all that has been done. If you wish to know the precise action to take or avoid, perhaps you ought to try asking Wesley. He is just as capable of revealing that information to you as I am."

There, again, was that faint spark of interest; perhaps it was unkind to pass this dilemma on to Wesley. She did not expect him to reveal anything immediately. He hadn't done so the last time both he and Winifred were in this place together, so she had very little reason to actually worry that things would be vastly different this time around.

At the same time, she was curious, and had grown more than weary of this place. A change in past events would release her, even if only to the prison that proceeded it. And she would be free of caring for any of the matters of these mortals.

[supersymmetry]

Fred hadn't really hoped for that information during this exchange, so she didn't feel the loss of it. The one thing this place had given her was time, and she felt moderately certain she would have time to figure out how to stay alive.

She'd wondered what exactly had happened. What her friends had had to go through to try to save her. Whether or not it could be as simple as buying the others the time to help her.

"So he was there, then? Wesley... when I... when you took over, and I died?"

It was still hard to say the word out loud in reference to herself.

[7livesatonce.livejournal.com]

"You did not wish for him to witness it, but you were afraid..."

Illyria looked distant for a moment as she accessed memories that were not her own. She didn't enjoy it, but accuracy demanded the attempt.

"It was quite painful for you. The two half-breeds had gone in search of the keeper of my prison. When it was clear that there was nothing more to be done, Wesley returned you to your home. He was with you when you died, and when I awoke moments later."

There was the smallest catch in between her breaths; something about the telling of this hurt, though it never had before. Perhaps being in proximity to Winifred caused emotions that were her legacy in this Shell to be heightened in some form. It was distasteful.

[supersymmetry]

Fred didn't notice any peculiar reactions from Illyria, because she was too busy trying to sort out her own. She dropped into the nearest chair, afraid her legs wouldn't hold her up much longer and figuring it was better to choose to sit than to fall.

"I wouldn't have wanted-- but you're right, if it was going to be anyone, I... I wonder if he knew, if I said anything, if--"

Fred was babbling and she couldn't quite seem to complete the thoughts that raced through her brain. She'd been planning to ask him out for coffee and now she was going to die maybe without ever having said that she'd entertained any feelings for him at all. Maybe she'd decided it was better not leaving that on anyone's head when there wasn't anything left to be done about it. But maybe she'd been hoping to live.

"I should go. You've been-- very h-helpful and I should leave now," Fred managed to get all of that out through gulping breaths as she tried not to have a complete breakdown over this one thing that had set her off. She'd been doing so well and then one detail had unraveled everything. That's what she got for asking too much.

[7livesatonce.livejournal.com]

"He loved you."

The words were sharp and bitter in Illyria's mouth, and she only got the tiniest bit of satisfaction from the way they stopped Winifred in her attempt to flee.

"I imagine it was only his attachment to you that made him any use to me whatsoever. Your death drove him to a curious sort of madness that I did not witness in any of the reactions of your other -- friends." She spoke the final word as though it were utterly alien to her, and, in fact, it was.

"So if you are wondering why more attempts were not made to destroy me, you have your answer. Your Wesley imagined some part of you remained, perhaps, and would not risk destroying it along with me. He was helpful to me, and I repaid the favor as I was able."

Her tone took on a coldness it hadn't held in a long time. A part of her was trying, quite deliberately, to drive Fred away with this cruelty. She'd said all that mattered to her and wanted to be done.

[supersymmetry]

It explained things. It explained... a lot. Fred was in some kind of weird shock where she was processing things on a level inversely proportional to how much they actually mattered to her. Of course if there'd been any chance at all of getting her back -- and of course it would be Wesley who would fight the hardest for her, she always knew he was just that little bit more ruthless than the rest of them and --

-- well of course he loved me, I loved all my boys and I wonder if she even knows what the word means in all contexts I mean let's not jump to wild, crazy conclusions here, Fred --

"I... have to go now."

That one phrase was all she could manage out loud. Any more information was just going to have to wait until she could handle talking to this... whatever she was, that had more knowledge about way-too-personal things that Fred would rather contemplate in private and when she was not trying to work out the question of staying alive. Except--

"You should stay away from Wesley. I don't care what else you do here, but-- if any of what you just said matters to you? Stay away from him."

With that last parting shot said, all her nerve evaporated at once and Fred fled out the door and down the hall, and didn't stop til she was back in her own room several floors away.

[7livesatonce.livejournal.com]

Illyria had no actual intention of honoring that request, and she found that it angered her more than she'd expected the more she considered it. It wasn't only that a human would be so presumptuous as to tell her with whom she should associate -- she'd been accepting all kinds of presumptuous suggestions all this time with increasingly less commentary. She'd begun to pick her battles.

This one, though, was a battle worth having.

The rest of Winifred's reaction she filed away; it was not at all surprising if she cared to examine any of it closely. At present, however, she did not wish to think of Fred at all, or of any particular emotions the entire exchange had provoked within herself.